Lies we have to unlearn

‘Availability decreases your worth.’

‘Unconditional love makes you gullible.’

‘Being humble makes you weak.’

‘Intent has no value.’

‘Vulnerability is being overly dramatic.’

‘Conversations are confrontations.’

Heal your own trauma before you become someone else’s burden.

ያሕዌ ይሬእየ

August 1

I say to myself….when I can’t sleep with your words echoing in my head…

Not everyone gets to understand you the way you should be understood.

Not everyone sees the sacrifices you have made to make them happy.

Not everyone knows how to trust your heart. Not everyone is kind to you when you need them to be.

Not everyone holds you up when you have days you can’t even bear to wake up to.

Not everyone values your tears enough to promise to not make you cry ever again.

Not everyone has a space bigger than their ego to say I’m sorry I hurt you.

Not everyone stays when you least love yourself.

Not everyone tells you, I’m sorry when they hurt you time and again.

And I say this to you….

But You did! Oh you broke the very thread I have sown the cocoon of our love.

Not everyone tells you less of you means a better day. But You did.

Not everyone loves you when you have had hard time loving yourself.

But God sees; He has to. Otherwise it would mean I’m not worthy of better days.

You can’t be Everyone. I waited for decades to find this haven of safe space.

I remember this feeling of constantly trying to prove myself to people who failed to see me with the kindness and love I deserved. But you can’t be like them because I have seen you be better.

I guess you don’t like to see me happy that you have to pick on me to make me feel bad so you can feel better about yourself. How a person you vowed to protect with your heart can be okay to dismantle your chambers to gain control is beyond me.

I know time will pass but I won’t ever forget how you loved me less that night when you couldn’t “forgive” me for being me.

I will never forget you stripped me of my faith in you, piece by piece; rendering me alone.

Only GOD can rekindle your heart to know how to love a woman like me.

I’m not difficult to love but you’re finding it hard to, I see.

Warsan Shire once said “You made the nomad in me build a house and stay.” But you broke the hopes of a home right around when I started believing I can let go.

There was a nanosecond of anger I saw on your face that still gnaws me to my core. How can you be this unkind? Does this mean you never loved me? The unending cycle of disappointment, inadequacy and heartache.

One day God will see; either I’ll be deaf or dead. Either ways, it will stop to hurt.

Something to keep our hearts warm…

https://youtu.be/-pUwIypksfE

Closets

Met me the other day,

In bed alone in misery,

Asking same old questions,

Unearthing tamed illusions,

Of boiled up insecurities,

Of what perfect could be.

Me isn’t so pretty,

Sobbing on the floor,

…really cold familiar floor

I unbutton me effortlessly,

I am not who you think,

I ought to be.

How one look,

An itch from the past

One word,

One gesture,

Unwraps me,

Quickly!

The faulty glues,

The inner demons,

The unmet promises,

Cliche of daddy issues

…..

It took a single hope

Of becoming someone’s

…..Something

To unleash years of agony.

I’m just not ready,

To face me,

To love me,

Doubt…

If I will ever be.

Here, Superman stays.

I write because you broke my heart.

I write because you took away my words.

I write because the pain reminds me to stay away.

I write because it always leads me to you;

I write because in these words, we are everything we couldn’t be.

I write for there is no better place or realm for us than here.

I write because I can freely admit I love you, still. 

I write because we make sense in the melancholy of words. 

And I am home. You. Me. Words.

The words that set my heart apart

I had stopped reading EE Cummings poetry for it reminds me of you. I carry your heart , I carry it in my heart. These are words I’m trying to unlearn so it doesn’t break me every time I watch the movie “ In her shoes” and every time I run into hopeful and gullible lovers rejoicing in love and prosperity of it all. But what gets to me every time is that I see your face in your blue jeans, black shoes and that T-shirt from Macy’s with WWJD bracelet and a smile that engulfs my oxygen. I see that face! Here is the root of the root and the bud of a bud in a tree called life…this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart….I carry your heart….you can’t carry mine. It has too big of a love to handle, wouldn’t you say?