“I will always be safe from the
random hurricanes of outcome
if I know where I rightfully
– Elizabeth Gilbert (Writer)
Archive for March, 2014
“I will always be safe from the
There was no reason for optimism. His eyes had grown dark and stranger to my heart. All our fights and endless bickering about why I wasn’t the apple of his eye became trivial. This wasn’t the man I fell in love with. He didn’t have to say it; I knew we were through. The sudden realization sent a bolt through every nerve ending in my body. I was stripped naked and for the first time in our simile of a relationship I didn’t like it.
He stood there though unaffected by the truth set before us. It wasn’t that he didn’t see through the silence for I read an ease in his breathing as if a weight had been lifted. I was that lump he couldn’t swallow. I, his ‘one and only’ became a past.
He sent his big arms that seemed to want to strangle me instead of comfort me in a clear effort of consoling me. He smelled bitter with a swift of our younger days burrowing small rain drops in my eyes. I wanted my heart to melt into shreds of nothings but this wasn’t the time to not feel. It was two hearts departing with languages written in shades of beats and blood.
His lips sent a thrill as they lightly brushed my neck. I wanted him! Suddenly my head started the usual calculations along why this was not a break up besides the fact that he clearly stated that he didn’t see the future for us.
Ohhhh that hurts…stop it…just cling to this last moment….
1…… 2….. 3
I finally found the strength to lift my feet up. “Are you leaving?” he asked as if there was something remaining.
“I didn’t think there was much left for me here. I think this is us not being us,” tears gushed into my eyes. He got off from the floor where we were sitting and looked into my eyes unsure of what he was supposed to say. He was never good with his words and for once I didn’t need him to say anything. What could he possibly say that would undo the throbbing pain in my chest? ‘I love you?’ Or April the fool?
My feet heavy from the weight of reality felt strange and vestigial. I didn’t bother to look at him one last time. I went out through the door and as the locks clicked into their place, he sighed in relief while I stood in the hallway unsure of my viability like a fish thrown out of the sea.
You can do it! But do I even want to do it? What does it mean? I, the cynic who had once seen love and relationships as the circus of emotional humdrums was stabbed ironically through the heart for believing against all my instincts that ‘love’ was a reality I could take a bite off.
I am hearing Amy Winehouse in my head;
‘Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game’
Somehow those words gave me comfort and relative nudge to keep walking away from all that was once mine. In flashlights of images I imagined what or who would become of me if I took one step back and it didn’t require that much of soul searching to know I deserved better than this. I deserved what I have preached my friends on what a man can and should be every time they were faced with the ‘I should have never slept with him’ enigma. I had to do it for all my fiends who would soon be asking what happened to the ‘soul mate’ I had raved about. Embarrassing!! But I am bleeding now and I just want my feet to glide me safely to my room and the rest is the classic ‘I can’t get out of my bed’ and ‘I thought he loved me’ ritual which seemed a rite of passage than a burden…at least for now.
I don’t know why I am trying to figure the mechanics of a break up and maybe it’s because I am avoiding the pain but if I can find comfort in it should that worry me?
I imagined what he was doing right now. I imagine he is playing his guitar and pretending as I am that everything didn’t change. He was never a fan of change; even to the simple routines like what to eat on Sunday mornings and his coffee had to be from Kaldis’ and the Thursday night beer fiesta with his friends. Though an iphone fanatic he can’t seem to throw away the old for newer versions. And this was why I loved him…correction… this is why I love him. He was just uncomplicated. He just felt one easy thing in life that came naturally. And though I was never a relationship person, I had dated a lot and when I met him he just fit in my every shortcoming without much hurdle.
Tears again filled my eyes and I brushed them away for this was not making it easier for me. And this blissful remembrance of who I thought we were once was only giving me hope. And let’s face it, I am alone and that should be comforting enough.
Tags: #emotions, #freshlypressed, #honest, #thoughts
1. I am feeling my belly fat is squashing my confidence.
2. I am afraid my soulmate doesn’t exist and being a slut and sleeping around with guys would be a success story for my psychisexual development.
3. I am never going to have the writing career I always wanted primarily for the lack of talent on my part. I really aint that good.
4. I am not going to the US yo take the USMLE. Thus, goodbye Madison square!
5. I am afraid of being what I always fear life to be; redundant and blunt.
6. I don’t think I will ever have financial security which means no frivolous spending on vacation to Croatia and Tuscany!
7. Twenty six is old and nearer to thirty.
8.My girlfriends are boring and you have no idea how many times I erased those lines because it just doesn’t feel right. But it isnt like they are reading my blog and I still love you gals!
9. I listened to ‘Edge of Desire’ by John Mayer today and I almost cried. TORTURED!!!! Ohhh words how I love to indulge in your magnitude of emotions.
10. Accomodating the emotions and needs of others has left me bare and vulnerable to change.
Tags: #hymen, #sex, #sexualfreedom, #vagina
I have forever respected your boundaries and allowed you to keep the barricades that ‘protected’ you from the ‘evil monster’ called sex. But I am over it. I actually believe you and I should redefine our treaty of sexual freedom. I agree that the availability of good penis is dwindling in recent times and that owning one doesnt make you adequate in bed. What I am suggesting is that we should redefine our expectations and break the barricades with unorthodox methods. And I know I got your interest with that; unorthodox!!! You have never been submissive to commonalities and do I worship you for that? The many years of our unruly methods of achieving orgasm is a proof for that. So I suggest we surgically remove the hymenal barriers and free ourselves from the baggages of thoughts surrounding virginity. These thoughts have haunted me. I’m worried that its going to hurt the first time and finding the gentleman who can manage the copulation inflicting the least possible pain has come to zero possobility. I dont know about you but I want to have the intimacy of sex because I want to grow out of the fear of losing control. I want to be vulnerable, sexy and intune to my needs.
So, Dear vagina….just trust me when I say I have your best interest at heart. Take a leap of faith and let go. We both knew that this day would come and since the emotional development of men our age hasn’t reached the level we anticipated, their incapacity shouldnt hinder us from achieving our full sexual desires. I don’t want you to remain in the neanderthal™ ages! As my good friend Tedy once said to me let’s domesticate you…my dear vagina!
Finally, you know I adore you right?
From your biggest fan
Found this question to be a question worth pondering on.it seems a cliche but hey it helps to revisit troubled waters to get a closure.
My mom is my VIP. I know everyone brags about their mothers and I think moms are the quintesential realm of GOD’s love amongst us. But my mom is my hero, my biggest fan, the biggest heart and a mouth full of tough love.
we all have a reason to wake up everyday and sometimes those reasons whatever they might be might fail to live your expectations like my ex boy\guy friend. But my mom has been the constant denominator for my existence since the day i remember. The first day at kindergarten wouldnt have been tolerble if my teachers hadnt kept telling me that she is going to pick me up from school. Boy and was I the mist embaressing child from the bunches of kids being thrown at the gates of the kindergarten??? I qlways cried as my mom hugged me good bye with her scent still lingering in my small arms clenching tightly at her cloth. She told me when i grew up that she prayed to GOD to make me love her less. But my love for my mom wasnt something that was waiting for age to renew it. As i grew a year or two older, i stopped crying, and for every tear i held back there was a big chunk of love to exude when i got back from school.
Today i have gtown out of the childish cries. I have found my reason to live and be happy for that is what she spent half of her life time achieving. I remember her face on my graduation day and it was worth all the pain med school had inflicted. I am always the little Girl wgo clinged on her close at nursery and that is how she looks at me everyday and in her arms is where all is safe,innocence is revived and I am unconditionally loved.
Eneye though words will never quench the unfathomable lengths your love has taken me, I just want the world to know you are my only treasure.
I love you without time and its boundaries and where you are the only truth.