Archive for November, 2014

Cosmic Relief

Posted: November 28, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Lets look at the sky!
Stars chaotically serene,
Clouds glazed like cream,
You and I are here.
Gravity is keeping us here.
What if…
I took you away to nothings,
Lived with anyone- with anything
What if…
We crossed a galaxy to be there,
Our feet in sands of distant palaces,
Untouched by anything but now,
Being nobody’s but you and I,
Laughing in chords of planetary moan,
What if…
We left it all to to be you and I,
“Stars would be aligned”
Their chaos our release,
Their Freedom our bliss.

Today I snapped at my friend and said some hurtful words. Thankfully my friend was not me and he made me realize in a nano second what I sounded like. I don’t want to be like my dad. I know it’s harsh but I honestly don’t want to be like him and in throwing words cowardly in the air to a person who has done nothing but help me, sounded too much of my dad.

So dad this is to say I don’t want to become you. I have lost resemblance to you in so many ways and had gotten worse as I grew up. I have noticed you are impatient towards my mom and say too many hurtful words to her that she doesn’t even deserve. You have been married to the most amazing woman and mother for almost forty years but I don’t ever hear you appreciate how lucky you got with her. Even as you lost your money and got ill, she stood by you and pleaded to GOD for your sins as if it was hers. But today, you walk healthy as a man with multiple chronic illnesses can ever be and still fail to see that GOD forgave you when he heard her prayers. You owe your life to her.

To talk of your guilt doesn’t make me righteous because I have had too many mistakes than I acknowledge to be true. But today I silently prayed to GOD to not let me be you. To be so insecure and so caught up in bitterness and losses and not see what I have right now is what I fear. I want to trust people when they care unabashedly and unconditionally; because life isn’t full of people who leave when I am in a rut. Some people, there are only few, tell you to ‘stop’ getting in your own way; they tell you to ‘stop’ before you become the person you hate. Even after you have let them down, they still tell you to not give up and let you believe the few words that you uttered aimlessly, didn’t change anything and that they still cared. They forgive easily because they are here to stay.

You won’t ever read this so the probability of you being hurt is zero. The sad part is I feel like even if you did read this, you would still rant how ungrateful I am. I won’t be surprised because you never took criticisms from your children; that’s why you have difficulty of leaning on your own family. You think everyone except your wife and children is your family. Even after GOD has shown you that your own enemies were the ‘friends’ you picked up in bars and motels, you still take their words over us. The only time I feel like you ‘need’ me is when you don’t feel well. Even then my comforting words are empty to you because you don’t think once in a while I would be right. But I tell you somewhere in those eight years of my medical school and practice, I have learned to ignore those who won’t listen.

My mom, your loving wife cried today because she didn’t know why you were mean to her. Normally I would shed tears but today I stayed CCC; calm,Cool,Collected ! That’s what my person told me and it works because I don’t get myself submerged in unnecessary hatred and forget that it too shall pass. My mom is going to be fine tomorrow but I know she isn’t like me and won’t forget your words neither your actions. She is a kind woman because she still believes despite all of her generous and loving heart that she somehow must have hurt you. She is the one who never left you and if your insane fights arise from deeper insecurities, let her not suffer the consequences. Just know you did wrong and for once be honestly in repentance.

I pray with all my heart and with utmost sincerity, without the feeling of self-importance, that I don’t take the traits of anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity and self worth from you. And to all those who have friends they call their own, don’t forget to remind them the world is better because they are in it. And if that sounded like a cliché, like my person always reminds me, its for a reason not lack of truth.

Rejection is undeniably the ego crushing tornado of life. My job search has opened me up to countless ways of being unwanted. I have finally given up, I think. I can’t seem to believe there is an open slot for me and even if I did get called back, I won’t feel the same.

Applying for a job you hate only to be told they don’t hire is like asking a douche bag for a date only to be rejected. It is wrong in so many ways to be me right now. All I want to do is just stay numb for few hours until the loud noise in my head signals “disappointment time”!

My period is also abnormally late;not that pregnancy is a possibility but it feels like I am failing at menstruating too. How many ways can I be reminded of things not going as expected. I expected to find a job as easy as finding a pair of bras that snuggly fit. But no life has to be harder even when you have to tolerate mediocrity.

I believe there is a silver lining to all of these hurdles otherwise I must have been living someone else’s life for my dreams don’t end here.