Here I am at 6am on a Sunday morning up and awake to start a new day. I should have slept but I normally don’t do much sleeping after 5:30am, unless I have work and then suddenly the blankets feel uncharacteristically friendly. Today is just another Sunday; but I feel a lot exhausted from thinking too much this week. I need to tell me to let go so I’m writing.
I have a very mundane work that I have to do until a better one comes up so I have to swallow the truth that I’m not doing what I want but it’s better than nothing. I need to work to fill my days to not feel like I’m not moving.
I have to accept even though I’m not adopted, I’m chemically different from my siblings. I’m trying so much to be understood by them and that had made me feel like maybe they were right when they said I was childish…but for my sanity and our failing relationship I would want to leave their judgment aside and accept I have grown out of my family.
I have started a new distance learning class that I was merely excited about from the start. Why did I enroll if I never liked it? Well I didn’t have better prospects of studying anything than this. So why do I become agitated every time its mentioned? Why haven’t I let go of the fact its not what I want? Why am I so overly consumed with disdain? I really don’t know. I just have to accept that this is better in the long run for my career and I have done 6years of unwanted education; I can handle two. And that’s all the bargaining I can afford to do.
My French class has always made me feel fresh and revived. I didn’t feel suffocated by deadlines or exams but lately I have lost that stamina to even attend class. Somehow there is less talking and that takes away the fun. And me getting there from a very laboring day of work isn’t helping out at all. I can’t afford to feel like this class is draining my energy; its just not acceptable. So I might have to quit class and not whine about how my life is less than what I want it to feel. My choice!
And at the root of all those feelings of unsettling emotions I have found myself at yet another lesson in life. A re-run of the “its not meant to be ,let go” show. How am I handling that one? Well I’m saying to myself “you asked for it” because nobody pulled a gun to my head and made me do any of those things but if I wanted life to be better this was what I had to do. Better can’t be a bliss as i am learning to accept these days but I have to accept the lesser of two evils. I have to learn to see my life that’s constantly feeling like a concoction of unwanted fits as a temporary station. I need to find a place where all of these that burden my head are really not the end. Even as I write those words my mind is asking HOW? I honestly don’t know. I just have to trust in myself to pull through it.
I need to learn to let go of the hands that always had me say I must have done something right. In yet another ‘love story’ I find myself ‘unmatched’. I have to drain back the tears and stuff them to stacks of not-meant-to-be’s. I want to believe that nothing changes too but I know he is not sure of that too. And when things do change I don’t want to blame him for the things he can’t control but he promised and that hurts already.
I had a lot to fathom this past few weeks and I am beyond exhausted and feeling like I need to breath. But these pictures of what I wanted and can’t have are drowning me. But don’t worry, I will survive as that’s what is acceptable for now. 👣