Archive for October, 2012

Absence does grow the heart fonder…

I don’t love this pain anymore…this missing you, not having to listen to your voice…no more pleasurable.
There is no end to it anymore. I don’t have a hope that this time that you might come back and if you do I don’t think you might see me as you used to. How do I know? Because I am famous for making my worst wishes come true. Apparently the universe listens to me when I got all the bad thoughts in my head. So this time I am scared I might prove myself right… And you might never come back.

I have always wanted you…you were the one I talked “me” about. You are the one I have always missed in my life. I would have lived missing you but GOD at some point thought I deserved to know you but to keep you was not an option. Still I want to not believe that you might not come back. I wish I had the power to make you stay in my life. It’s worse enough to know that I can’t have you as I want to; get to know your heart or build a home in it. I just wished I could live a life knowing you.

The problem with this world is that it isn’t made for happy endings for otherwise it would have been called heaven. Nobody ever gets what they want or at least get to keep it. We all are wondering around trying to get that something that just feels right. And GOD is out there showing us the direction to the “right” thing but we might falter and end up somewhere we think is right. So again after grazing the grass at the “right” mown we just feel like ‘it isn’t enough’ and GOD is probably saying ‘I know!’.  So we are all wondering always and never would we ever be satisfied until we are enough for ourselves, be content by ourselves. It is hard to admit that I am not enough for me because I feel like I betrayed myself, allowed myself to live less.

I know that when I don’t get what I want in life that GOD has better plans and I usually stay put with that faith. But not when it comes to you. I want to know why you had to come to my life and leave as you please when I was just trying to accept what I had. You showed me this world I once believed I can be part of but time has robbed me of dreaming being part of. I was just trying to accept that life can’t have hill top views. I don’t know why GOD strode you in my path just to let me wonder now of why! I thought I had enough of staring at the phone for some one to call…a call to make me happy all over again. Why???

You ruined me; for now I can’t picture myself any where in the world…no Croatia, no Paris, no wonderland…
Somehow GOD has better plans but I don’t think it will get better than this.

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Relative living

Posted: October 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

People always lie;I lie. The truth is indeed relative and the only universal truth is LOVE!
I have lied so many times in my life because truth is hard to accept for some people. I am not ready to accept a lot of things in my life; so I’m denying the facts. In time I will be struck by a lightening of truth I can never comprehend and as always I’m going to be left with bruises and bumps that strap me a chair of sorrow.
Life doesn’t give you lemons; it gives you rotten oranges and expects you to have lemonade. The bones in me don’t have the miraculous gift of changing a rotten fruit to a ripened one. I don’t have it in me to wake up every day longing for a better day; I am tired of living. I just wonder why my existence is trouble filled, unending curve balls, unyielding fights;why?? They say I complain too much and maybe I do but maybe have any of them noticed that it might be my cry for help? Maybe I am pleading for an anchor to save me and maybe a part of me wants to live. I am praying that I find a reason to live for and don’t tell me to live for “love” because I have discovered love is overrated, at least the one I have. Nothing comes easy, not even loving someone helplessly! Because the moment you start feeling like you have found yourself the greatest love of all and start floating in cloud 9, life sticks a pin to your balloon. So why bother to live when the universe is out to get you? All the many challenges I have to fight don’t seem worth fighting for when the reason I’m fighting for is lost. If suicide was not so much of an abominable act, I would have done it long ago. GOD might be disappointed by my statement but I think I will save him the heartache of witnessing my already disappointing way of life.
I am hoping dying hurts less than living. Maybe it’s quieter out there; less vicious, less cruel, less changing, less disappointing; maybe love is more constant out there and the truth maybe less relative.
Just die and all this hurt will end!

Lost

Posted: October 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

What do you do when you’re lost,
When life’s window is covered in frost,
When your best memories are your ghost,
When Unfed promises are turned to lust,
What do you do…
When your pillow is soaked with regret,
When your best friend is your pet,
When reality is at the other end of perfect,
When you find yourself losing every bet,
When every hands zat pulls you up is  a little late,
What do you do…
When you just want to give up,
When you just want to stop,
When you don’t want to live,
When you decide to die!
What do you do…

Scared

Posted: October 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

I miss you horribly…my whole body aches for you.i don’t know why but I can’t seem to get you out of my head. You are the preferred thought in my head…the only neurotransmitter that seems to actually create a synapse. I miss you like an electron to a proton…all I ever wanted was to feel happy and to know you felt the same way too. But life is never fair, even when it comes to reciprocating a simple emotion as this. I just want to feel for once in my life that I am not crazy for wanting someone like you this bad.
Please GOD show me that I am not alone.
It hurts to breathe when you realise you are standing on a thin ice with the cold and empty ocean to fall into. I am scared because it just seems too good to be true…
I pray I get back up when I fall because this time I am so helplessly falling….

A blissful kiss…

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

Kissing is like drinking salted water, you drink, & your thirst increases.” ~ Chinese Proverb

The moment his lips rest on mine…the clock stops ticking. His lips are smooth like a baby’s butt, fragile as melted chocolate and perfectly carved as a priceless piece of art. All those poetries that were written suddenly seemed meaningful.

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;
Then to that twenty, add a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred;
so kiss on, To make that thousand up a million;
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let’s kisse afresh, as when we first begun. ~Robert Herrick

If my tastebuds had tasted anything sweet before, they are now craving for him.
Kissing him was a beautiful disaster as kelly clarkson said so. It was sureal, too good to be true. The worst thing about commiting a mistake is wanting to do it all over again; eventhough you have nothing to fall back to. All I kept thinking while kissing him was how it is possible? How is it possible to find something so beautiful in a place where u least expect to find anything worthwhile??
If to kiss him came with a price, I am forever bound to pay it for it is etched in my heart irreversibly!!
I am ruined!

Hugs wanted!

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

Everybody can hug!! So I am not asking for arms wrapped around me kind of hug. I am looking for that hug that embraces your body,tears you apart but tapes you into whole! I need his scent to rest inside my lungs&surf through my nerve endings! I want him to be my escape from the brutual fights of everyday life. I want to sink in his body,melt in his warmth and rush in his blood stream. I want him to sync in with my needs and hold me back closer and closer until our bodies become one! I want him to miss my hug everytime he gets a mediocre hug,everytime he has a bad day at work,everytime he seeks comfort…i want him to miss my hug like his favourite icecream and I want him to know I taste better!
As for me I need your hug like a pacemaker to a heart,like a bow to an arrow, like a melody to a song, like a cheese to a maccoroni! I need your hug more and more every single day,every single hour and with every fleeting second and I didnt think it was possible but it is. It is possible that a simple gesture  like a hug could speak millions and travel miles! And it is rare… as rare as a truth and as unique as a fingerprint!
I hope you come to needing my hug as bad as I do…
Dont make me wait for long…

I like you

Posted: October 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

I like you.
I am sorry but I like you and im trying soooo hard to not be drawn into you.
I know my heart is scared of something and though they say the things that we are afraid of are those worthwhile, I am not sure that applies for this situation.
Wanting you this bad is sooo wrong&when I am obssesed to not liking you, I’m losing the me that knew where to stand; the me that you liked.
You are in my head 24/7 and that is amazing bc days pass without talking to you and yet you never seem to leave my side. And I like talking to you. But that is crazy, right??
I can’t trust you but I want to. I know you are here for a reason but I hope you dont teach me not to trust, AGAIN!!
You don’t owe me anything but we are interwined with circumstances and thoughts that surpass cliches&fate…im really scared of losing you before I ever get to knowing you…
I have never wanted anyone to understand me but I hope you get me because you always make sense. When I blab sometimes I feel at ease that you are still there at the other end trying to figure me out and when you actually understand me, its a relief.
I value your friendship so much that just the thought of losing you runs chills to my bones!! And when you say you will never leave, I believe you because I want you to stay badly.
If one day I wake up in a world where I hate your laughter, your smell, your hands, your “youness”….i don’t know how I want to move forward. GOD, I pray you stay!!!