She doesn’t know because you never say it.
She doesn’t know because your actions are the opposite of your words.
But did you tell her?
That she is the reason between taking the next breath of air or not.
That she is worth a better man than you. That she made you her own even when you didn’t deserve to be hers. That her arms were better than the expensive matress that keeps you warm at night. That you question your sanctity for sacrificing a lot and it wasn’t even for her.
Did you say it?
Say sorry even when it utterly changes nothing but you acknowledging your absence, ruined the pillars of love she let you have. Your apologies will still be empty until that day comes when I’m sorry isn’t because you broke something beautiful in her but because you didn’t believe it. For nothing is ever set in stone…things change and people, even you change. Don’t make her question her sanity and tell her you’re still the same.
Did you tell her you loved her? Did you mean it ? Not in the emptiness of attempts made to keep her hope for more but because you had hoped she knew no word was enough for what you left behind. For when she said it one time, it took every anticipated loss, the inevitability of being apart, the lack of more into a consolation and locked the non believers out and said “but I love him”. Did your words give you that shelter…
She can’t bear another pain. She can’t stand another wait for me. You can’t make her wait for anything. She doesn’t anticipate a future but don’t be present only when you choose or afford to be. She resents the 2AMs you never held her as she cried you out. She doesn’t deserve to stand back in the dark as you lay bricks of wall to separate your unknown existence to match the world’s expectation. So you and her can be palatable. Haven’t she said she doesn’t love you “like that”enough times to make your life better? Do you know what that did to her? Do you know what she unlearned to save you?
She can’t bear the thought of you not understanding what she lost to have you there. Maybe no word will ever repair the loss but don’t ever ever ever think you have said or done enough…not for her. This is the labour of love …the word you have yet to learn. The word that sears down every thing big you ever did and asks if it was ever enough? Not because it wasn’t but because nothing ever really is when you live and love someone the way she did.
You won’t get this one too but I at least tried.