Archive for May, 2014

Hollow Nights

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Heartache
Tags: , ,

Every time I lie next to you, all I dream and dread is the world without you.
The bed sheets suddenly become ice cold and I feel an awkward feeling; a need to escape the reality that it was just sex! The light is off but I know your eyes are wide open and your mind is racing with what this all would mean. Though we have endured these tedious melancholic scenes too many times before and have vowed to not repeat them; here I lay naked in your arms and your bare chest moving up and down heavily next to me.
Today though, something had changed; for I wanted it all to end fast. I wanted to lie next to you as fast as possible for with our time coming to an end, all I can hold onto are these silent talks between our thoughts about what we could have been and how beautiful we once were without uttering any word.
I have lost the meaning of it all. I have seen myself in the mirror and I feel ashamed, unrecognizable, lost and scared. Have I become the woman I detest?
My tears upset you and I try as much as possible to hide them away from you but the soaked pillows give away and you bounce off the bed angry and leave me alone.
I cry not because I Miss you for you were never mine but because I loath the part of me that scrapes on our past scared of a tomorrow without you.
I hate that woman that wants to tell you that the only reason she is sleeping with you is because she needs these 15 minutes of embrace and not because she missed sex!! I hate her because she has stared at a white ceiling a lot of times before to not know how it all ends. But yet I still find her here, next to you; afraid you wont need her when she is gone.
image

Yesterday I ”smoked” a cigarette. My first cigarette. In my recent,endeavours to try mingle my way through adulthood and lost stupid teenage firsts, I stumbled upon cigarettes.

The Decision

I was sitting with a colleague of mine and we were talking about his Birthday and  what we should do when I suggested we smoke cigarettes as a rite of passage.

The Transaction
As I work in a very rural area unknown to google map, the idea of smoking cigars is shunned upon and the idea of a woman smoking is unheard of. So that was a challenge I wanted to experience. The first shop was the biggest in town. And I assumed they would sell cigars from abroad because I sure didn’t want my first to be a local one. He looked at me puzzled before he answered a very sharp ”no”.
In the second shop I was greeted by a friendly man who smiled to say they only owened ‘Nyala’, a local brand. And I stayed long enough in that shop with the guy explaining why it was hard to get ‘fancier’ brands that long after I left his shop I felt the burrowing eyes of an elderly customer that was also purchasing goods. I was sure I was going to be the talk of the town afterwards.
Finally as I was resorting to ‘Nyala’, my friend spotted a ‘Rothman’ which sounded better for my naive palate. I boldly asked for a pack of ‘Rothman’ & the girl handed me with no spikes of emotions or facial expressions a pack and I paid 40Birrs and left.

The Puff

I was surprised to find ”how to smoke cigarettes” on wiki. It is frightening to condone such an act but I was saved from choking because it was not easy to take a puff and not be irritated by the smudges of tar&nicotine. My friend took the first puff& he had a smile that said ”Crazy S***!!” I handled my cigar in the classic way( there are many types and you can google that too); and took a small breath in like it was a casual thing and I didnt choke! my friend stood there with anticipation of cough or discomfort that I almost felt obliged to choke for I looked professional.
At that instant I felt a blend of freedom, independence, femininity and brash! I doubt it was me,being ”high” for I let a only one gulp of smoke to reach up my lungs.
I won’t ever say that I support smoking cigars but if they had lollipop-cigarettes I sure would have been an addict. It is not so much of the euphoria  in the chemicals I am a fan of but the simple act of smoking!
In conclusion I want to thank google for the enlightenment and wiki for avoiding my cyanotic leap of death. I vote for ”lolligars”!

This is why I love bligging….purely humane emotions….

days like crazy paving

A comic depicting the difference between what a Nice Guy thinks is happening between him and a girl and what is actually happening. a shift in perspective can help.

Dear Nice Guy,

I’d say you probably don’t remember me, but I know you do. I know you remember me the way you remember every single girl you’ve ever latched onto like a leech who also happens to recommend books and carry shopping bags. I know you remember me because this is a small town and people talk and you wouldn’t believe some of the things people tell me you say about me, except that I guess you would because I know for sure that you said them.

I know you’ve waxed poetic at length to anyone who will listen (and a fair few people who won’t) about how I don’t know what I’m missing. And you know what? I guess you’re right. I don’t know what I’m missing. Maybe if, somewhere between the endless offers of a lift home and the free coffees…

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