Blow out your candles…

Posted: May 8, 2018 in Heartache

To my center,

I have never loved and never will love anyone with the ferocity I love you. You were my entire lifetime in one word, one planet , one existence. Every reason, every pain, every obstacle before you was all a blessing. You were how I knew I can honestly hunger and suffocate in love.

You are my deepest of pains and my only cure. I still long for you in ways only GOD can hear me. You are my instinct to exist as me, you hold so much of my being that without acknowledging your place I fall into unknown nothings. I always pray for you still, my tongue breathes your name unwaveringly as the only way to be. I have realized, wanting you to understand how much of me you held was my plea to save me when you left but I was a fool to think I ever needed you to love you.

I still know your smell like the meeting of rain to soil; I still wince tracing the delicate arch of your spine; I dissolve in your words into the simpleness I always sought to find ; I’m undone by you. You have smashed my heart open with a grenade of unrequited love that shines ever– broken unafraid of being unloved or worse of never finding home.

I have NOW reclaimed my position; that loving you was never about you. It was about learning who will forever break my heart but still hold it into one. You are both my center and my war. The single thread I clasp on when all tunes drown into chaos. I choose you in million lifetimes and in eons to come. For you are, unashamedly, forever my true north. I am forever grateful GOD gave me you. Happy returns of this day everyday🐼

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Goodbyes are forever?

Posted: April 11, 2018 in Heartache
Tags: ,

A caption from you,

A glimpse of your existence,

A virtual reality of my missing link,

Just a drop in the universe of bits,

It takes me back to that last time,

Weakens all I had built so far.

Reminds me of how,

I loved.

I lived.

I fought.

For love.

For love leads me back to you.

And I’m sorry…

But I didn’t know it ended?!

I’m still hoping Like love in the time of cholera,

You will still look for me when you’re old and frail,

Just to feel before we die apart what it felt like to be infinitely understood.

I still imagine myself ,

Standing On your doorway,

Surprising you from  across the globe.

You’re afraid,

Than happy.

What will she think

You ask.

I crossed continents for you,

Just to try one more time,

If love still had value.

You say,

You have made a home,

Out of nowhere,

Ask me to stay for tea,

Say she would love to see me.

I see you’re beguiled,

About humans and homes, 

They never find each other,

They are never the True North,

Without a heart-

To keep them warm. 

Here, Superman stays.

Posted: February 2, 2018 in #words, Missing you like crazy
Tags:

I write because you broke my heart.

I write because you took away my words.

I write because the pain reminds me to stay away.

I write because it always leads me to you;

I write because in these words, we are everything we couldn’t be.

I write for there is no better place or realm for us than here.

I write because I can freely admit I love you, still. 

I write because we make sense in the melancholy of words. 

And I am home. You. Me. Words.

I had stopped reading EE Cummings poetry for it reminds me of you. I carry your heart , I carry it in my heart. These are words I’m trying to unlearn so it doesn’t break me every time I watch the movie “ In her shoes” and every time I run into hopeful and gullible lovers rejoicing in love and prosperity of it all. But what gets to me every time is that I see your face in your blue jeans, black shoes and that T-shirt from Macy’s with WWJD bracelet and a smile that engulfs my oxygen. I see that face! Here is the root of the root and the bud of a bud in a tree called life…this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart….I carry your heart….you can’t carry mine. It has too big of a love to handle, wouldn’t you say? 

You are the boy who made all the other boys nothings. You are the man that I silently look for approvals in empty streets full of people that don’t know me. You are my excuse for the weight gain bordering obesity. You are the ‘what if’ that I want to silence but even the days smell of you and colors blend to make your face in smokes of cigarettes. Your crooked veins are what I look for in a man for yours were the roots that anchored my raison d’être. It’s heartbreaking to know that I have to say the only man I love shall be triumphantly “over with” or “ let go” as if life after that begins when truly it ends. So memories is what I crave for hoping one day in another parallel universe you still smell like forever🐼

It is that time of the year now! You had left for a better life with a better future. I had hoped I would miss the date as if I was in a trans state but I guess my heart has its own tunes to remember the hurt, that left it irreversibly melt to nothing. I woke up in the middle of the night with a familiar palpitation as if I’m remembered elsewhere. I don’t know why it matters to people like me that are left alone by others to know that they mattered; that they induce palpitations in others too. But sadly it does. I still worry about your days and I won’t lie I envy the stake that you eat nowadays and wonder if you’ve turned vegetarian. I use your words to describe my appetite and people look at me bewildered by my vocabulary and I realize those were our words. But words cheat you for no one lives up to them. To have conquered them would have meant you would still be here.