There are days I honestly miss you like a void has never been filled since you left.

There are words that come in distant songs echoed from afar that flicker the memories I can’t seem to lock out.

A certain smell, a gloomy day with a field of tall grown grass hedges or the the empty bottle of “Axumite”, seemingly mundane things lead me to you as if I ever needed a reason to think of you.

I need to sleep so I could meet you there, where neither people nor truth can be refuted. I want to know if you still laugh till it hurts .

But Instead…

Instead, I sip on this cheap wine and embrace the staleness of life without you.

https://youtu.be/TOS2HcQ0soM

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Not just another day …

Posted: May 8, 2019 in Heartache

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book all my days were recorded, even those which were purposed before they had come into being. Psalm 139:16

Somewhere along the lines of

Heartache and love,

I miss you.

In between the known and what if

And what could be

I wrap you in me.

I trust what you can’t see,

Put all my eggs in a “maybe ”

For I see my dreams that include you

The lines I wrote of you before you.

The warmth of knowing in your gut,

To be the best version of ourselves,

When all our wait is over,

And what remains is you and I,

Coming home together undone,

Becoming one even when apart.

Everyday is me waking up with retrograde amnesia. I wake up with gut wrenching heartache and palpitation that’s numbing my extremities and I can’t get out of bed. You’re still not here. I have to tell myself that you are just what I made you out to be.

I cry it out, wash my face and go about my day with that constant hunger for you. It’s not in my head, is it? I miss my bed the entire day. I lay my head and I dream of everything we never got to do and say the things we never got the courage to utter.

And it’s back again to the mornings of realities where you left and I’m here. It hurts. It’s dying each day with little pieces of me scraping off like sand. Maybe one day there won’t be anything left to leave. Maybe no one to remember you like you never left. That would be heaven for me but hell for you, right ?

I didn’t forget. Although I tried. I deleted the date from the calendar and I told myself I don’t need to remember. After all, You left. And that’s still the truth.

Things change as they should. I’m not crying everyday. I still have my days of melancholy but that’s me trying to predict the future so it doesn’t hit me hard when it hits home. I still am me. Maybe even better, messier than I want to, but I’m trying. I am trying to love myself before everyone else and it’s easier said than done. So picture perfect and motivational but really exhausting since I don’t know how to stare into my eyes and believe in all the things that my person sees. Because apparently I am “awesome”. A Cadillac not SUV…

But I’m trying to wake up, just wake up. Get out of bed and just pray like I used to. Pray when I open my eyes, I really open my eyes. The kind of realization that beats all the other realistic, sad, obvious facts of my past that make me wish I was numb. Because the problem was that I had emotions but that all my energy was directed in saving you that I forgot I didn’t know how to swim. I never knew how to swim. I didn’t think I needed to learn to swim because I didn’t think I would ever drown. If I ever did drown though, you had promised to save me. But you didn’t …

I’m learning to look at your smile and be indifferent. No rolling the eyes. No imaging why you have that smile, or who made you smile like that or how you could still have that smile. I’m accepting that you never looked for me because you chose. I should choose too. I choose to be twisted and sad and romantic and hopeful. And maybe it’s GOD’s way of saying, ” I will always stay” even when they leave. So the next time someone leaves(and they often do); it wouldn’t hurt like the last time. You peed all over my territory and made getting over every other heartache, a Christmas carol recital; just a walk in the park. I have got to say thank you.

If I could wake up everyday and put myself out there knowing there is hope for something better even when I’m in dire need of some light…

Even knowing this man with a cute smile, a rattling presence and intimidating charisma I’m trying to get to know, could one day leave too….AND if I still make it out of bed…then There is hope in me that I too will get my happy beginning❤️.

You were here, now you’re gone. And that’s okay.

Dear me,

You fucked up didn’t you?

Fell in love with a guy who didn’t want you,

Cried about him in sleepless chords,

Sang his name in out of tune records,

Told yourself he was just the one,

When clearly it’s just one date!

He is not obviously Mr right!

So he didn’t keep you waiting,

Picked you up from home,

Held your hand in familiar tone,

Paid for dinner and all,

Made jokes from F.R.I.E.N.D.S,

He made you smile

REALLY smile,

Your soul was dancing to every word he spoke,

He was every other gasp of air you missed all your life,

He was the “where have you been all my life”,

He was the unanswered call to God ,

He was the finally I got it right,

Finally I deserve normal nice person!

Oh God ! You do work in mysterious ways!

It stings e v e r y w h e r e…

He was nothing but mine or will ever be,

He was a No you can’t go there

But I did go there,

Like the naive hopeless romantic bitch I am!

Setting up myself to series of unfortunate “No”s ,

Making it UnNatural for God to be UnNatural to his workings!

Asking a volcano to be comforting ,

Asking for sun to rise in West ,

That’s me!

I’m the home of impossible dreams,

Remaining impossible!

Leaving my heart to dry out,

Betting on lost battles

Just for that one in a million,

A chance

A hope

A glimpse of Home

But Lord!

Not this one too?!?

So it’s a NO huh?!

Not this ONE !

Please GOD!

Shut my heart to infinity,

I’m not made to be loved,

By the ones I love,

I’m not made for people to stay,

I’m not good enough TO… ❤️,

So why bother?

You won .

I give up .

I learned my lesson.

I’m broken .

Wilting unchosen,

This …

Love thing

With forever ending

…isn’t for me.

https://youtu.be/orNx4Zmqm00

Closets

Posted: November 26, 2018 in #family, #words, Heartache
Tags: , ,

Met me the other day,

In bed alone in misery,

Asking same old questions,

Unearthing tamed illusions,

Of boiled up insecurities,

Of what perfect could be.

Me isn’t so pretty,

Sobbing on the floor,

…really cold familiar floor

I unbutton me effortlessly,

I am not who you think,

I ought to be.

How one look,

An itch from the past

One word,

One gesture,

Unwraps me,

Quickly!

The faulty glues,

The inner demons,

The unmet promises,

Cliche of daddy issues

…..

It took a single hope

Of becoming someone’s

…..Something

To unleash years of agony.

I’m just not ready,

To face me,

To love me,

Doubt…

If I will ever be.