Everyday is me waking up with retrograde amnesia. I wake up with gut wrenching heartache and palpitation that’s numbing my extremities and I can’t get out of bed. You’re still not here. I have to tell myself that you are just what I made you out to be.

I cry it out, wash my face and go about my day with that constant hunger for you. It’s not in my head, is it? I miss my bed the entire day. I lay my head and I dream of everything we never got to do and say the things we never got the courage to utter.

And it’s back again to the mornings of realities where you left and I’m here. It hurts. It’s dying each day with little pieces of me scraping off like sand. Maybe one day there won’t be anything left to leave. Maybe no one to remember you like you never left. That would be heaven for me but hell for you, right ?

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I didn’t forget. Although I tried. I deleted the date from the calendar and I told myself I don’t need to remember. After all, You left. And that’s still the truth.

Things change as they should. I’m not crying everyday. I still have my days of melancholy but that’s me trying to predict the future so it doesn’t hit me hard when it hits home. I still am me. Maybe even better, messier than I want to, but I’m trying. I am trying to love myself before everyone else and it’s easier said than done. So picture perfect and motivational but really exhausting since I don’t know how to stare into my eyes and believe in all the things that my person sees. Because apparently I am “awesome”. A Cadillac not SUV…

But I’m trying to wake up, just wake up. Get out of bed and just pray like I used to. Pray when I open my eyes, I really open my eyes. The kind of realization that beats all the other realistic, sad, obvious facts of my past that make me wish I was numb. Because the problem was that I had emotions but that all my energy was directed in saving you that I forgot I didn’t know how to swim. I never knew how to swim. I didn’t think I needed to learn to swim because I didn’t think I would ever drown. If I ever did drown though, you had promised to save me. But you didn’t …

I’m learning to look at your smile and be indifferent. No rolling the eyes. No imaging why you have that smile, or who made you smile like that or how you could still have that smile. I’m accepting that you never looked for me because you chose. I should choose too. I choose to be twisted and sad and romantic and hopeful. And maybe it’s GOD’s way of saying, ” I will always stay” even when they leave. So the next time someone leaves(and they often do); it wouldn’t hurt like the last time. You peed all over my territory and made getting over every other heartache, a Christmas carol recital; just a walk in the park. I have got to say thank you.

If I could wake up everyday and put myself out there knowing there is hope for something better even when I’m in dire need of some light…

Even knowing this man with a cute smile, a rattling presence and intimidating charisma I’m trying to get to know, could one day leave too….AND if I still make it out of bed…then There is hope in me that I too will get my happy beginning❤️.

You were here, now you’re gone. And that’s okay.

Dear me,

You fucked up didn’t you?

Fell in love with a guy who didn’t want you,

Cried about him in sleepless chords,

Sang his name in out of tune records,

Told yourself he was just the one,

When clearly it’s just one date!

He is not obviously Mr right!

So he didn’t keep you waiting,

Picked you up from home,

Held your hand in familiar tone,

Paid for dinner and all,

Made jokes from F.R.I.E.N.D.S,

He made you smile

REALLY smile,

Your soul was dancing to every word he spoke,

He was every other gasp of air you missed all your life,

He was the “where have you been all my life”,

He was the unanswered call to God ,

He was the finally I got it right,

Finally I deserve normal nice person!

Oh God ! You do work in mysterious ways!

It stings e v e r y w h e r e…

He was nothing but mine or will ever be,

He was a No you can’t go there

But I did go there,

Like the naive hopeless romantic bitch I am!

Setting up myself to series of unfortunate “No”s ,

Making it UnNatural for God to be UnNatural to his workings!

Asking a volcano to be comforting ,

Asking for sun to rise in West ,

That’s me!

I’m the home of impossible dreams,

Remaining impossible!

Leaving my heart to dry out,

Betting on lost battles

Just for that one in a million,

A chance

A hope

A glimpse of Home

But Lord!

Not this one too?!?

So it’s a NO huh?!

Not this ONE !

Please GOD!

Shut my heart to infinity,

I’m not made to be loved,

By the ones I love,

I’m not made for people to stay,

I’m not good enough TO… ❤️,

So why bother?

You won .

I give up .

I learned my lesson.

I’m broken .

Wilting unchosen,

This …

Love thing

With forever ending

…isn’t for me.

https://youtu.be/orNx4Zmqm00

Closets

Posted: November 26, 2018 in #family, #words, Heartache
Tags: , ,

Met me the other day,

In bed alone in misery,

Asking same old questions,

Unearthing tamed illusions,

Of boiled up insecurities,

Of what perfect could be.

Me isn’t so pretty,

Sobbing on the floor,

…really cold familiar floor

I unbutton me effortlessly,

I am not who you think,

I ought to be.

How one look,

An itch from the past

One word,

One gesture,

Unwraps me,

Quickly!

The faulty glues,

The inner demons,

The unmet promises,

Cliche of daddy issues

…..

It took a single hope

Of becoming someone’s

…..Something

To unleash years of agony.

I’m just not ready,

To face me,

To love me,

Doubt…

If I will ever be.

You and I

Posted: November 23, 2018 in Heartache
Tags: , , ,

I sit here on the corner of my bed with tears falling down my cheek with the familiar sense of disappointment.

My need to constantly make moments last more than they ought to has again landed my heart here in a tiny but familiar space of designing my own destruction.

What is it with Ryan Goseling dirty dancing moves that make me feel like my life could end up just like the movies with a story to be told to grand children about how on one fateful night with neon lights glistening our path we became inseparable onwards?

What is it with the phrase “I will pick you up” that makes me feel like finally I get the nice one that doesn’t make me pay for dinner every single time?

I tell myself this might be my big break; finally I met my match without pining over it and then I am reminded of how boys like this that send flutter to your heart and make you reach out for more never EVER give you more. The sad part is I never EVER learn.

I’m unapologetically a romance junkie that just needs to seize the moment without knowing if it’s my future or demise. They say with every heartbreak you learn but I think with every heartbreak I unlearn; I grow stubborn and defiant on how love is supposed to be. And maybe I will never live the crazy stupid love movie to the fullest but I admit 4ams with loud soulful music blaring and gravity defying moves with blurry neon lights are my weakness and this one my Sphinx was one for the books.

always remember us this way

I was almost happy.

Posted: November 9, 2018 in Heartache
Tags: ,

Sleepless reincarnating my almost moments and your name just pops in every one of them.

I almost kissed you one last time. You probably won’t remember for you were busy teaching me that moments like this one shouldn’t be monumental. But it was and always will be, monumental! Sad how no matter how much I have tamed my heart to not grieve over you, I still find myself comfortable in tears you won’t ever dry.

I was sitting in the back of a taxi with my drunk head lying on your chest; you calling my name, so I don’t doze off. I look up just to see you and in that brief moment you surprised my entire body with a soft kiss that took the lungs out of my chest. I didn’t see that coming so my heart tore open with joy that still feels dreamy. I was trying to tiptoe around a man I adored trying to not love him more, trying to not to miss his body like he was ever mine. You won’t remember, I’m not your almost; because you can’t imagine how I lingered in that moment contemplating what that meant. But it was nothing to decipher for nothing ever changes with a kiss that almost meant something.

I grappled with myself over what I should have said or done to make it last more than it did for days to come. It’s like for a nanosecond you actually wanted to stay, for a nanosecond you loved me more than her. It’s sad to re-live this reality at 3:00 in the morning for even in my crappiest of days, that day outshines all the other depressing thoughts in my head because that almost haunts me. It’s like everything in my life depends on what if …

I tell myself in another universe, that almost, was the only way to be. The kiss would not be a mistake for you and that kiss would just be another one of the millions of kisses you would have shared with me and that would be another night in your arms that I would never ever have to learn to let go.

This kills!

Posted: October 25, 2018 in Heartache

Wouldn’t you just know what to say right now as I mumble the thoughts that incarcerate my future? The self doubt …the unending loathes for life and failure…the fear of trying anything just because failure was just becoming too darn draining! You would know what to say. If not words, just that hug that spells “it’s going to be fine; I’m here and I’ll stay here”.

I swear to God I worked twice as much not to fail you than for fear of failing myself. And when you decided to never show up, I stopped trying to do anything in life. So if you ever wonder what has happened to that girl you stood up, she is just a little broken into thousands of pieces relentlessly trying to stay broken!