Archive for July, 2016

To know him

Posted: July 17, 2016 in Uncategorized
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For I have loved you in unearthly ways, it is bound to be less understood by you. I’m no saint and I have never had anything big happen in my life until I met you. I’m just an ordinary being with nothing to brag about except the way I adore you. I have known the extents of my heart in the ways that it tries to revive itself when it’s  completely broken. I’m learning the audacity of hope when everyone believes you- one day will leave me. I choose to hope that maybe we, you and I, are different. I hope that they are all wrong. I know I love you in unearthly, not four words worthy way.

Then there is you who believes you can understand the absolute agony of watching you become someone else’s better half, by choice. I adore you even more for the choices you have made and i think God will pay you forward. And you think despite all of this understanding that I don’t understand. Understanding doesn’t shield me from the heartache of losing a part of me. It is still a loss, a vacancy that will never EVER be filled once it is left, unchosen.

No, you don’t understand! I don’t have a choice, I came in late. The time isn’t for me. Time isn’t my friend again. I’ll have to sit and watch your life happen and be content for this is the only way it is worth it. Worth the heartache of not being the only one, the heartache of never knowing what if, the hushed question that maybe you never wanted me that way the probable truth that I never stood a chance and the possibility that I’m fighting a battle already won.

No you can’t call me crazy or drunk just because your heart doesn’t fear what if? I’m not crazy or drunk. I just believe in everything that mattered or will matter to be you. It actually terrifies me but that’s how I know I have insanity bordering chaos if you stop believing in me and think I’m insane for loving you the way I do. Do not belittle my inherent tendency to drown in you. If you can’t comprehend it, be thankful you are bound with realms of gratitude that tell you I’ll stay even when you don’t.

One thing is for sure, I love you in unearthly ways. Do not even question that. I love you knowing all the great things you will become and that I might not be there for the falls and triumphs. I worry about your future more than mine for I lived a great life in the times I have met you. My share of living is done. I’m looking forward to when you start living yours.

Through this transformation I have gained wrinkles and lost pounds but I understood that loving you is letting go of my needs and just letting you become you even when you don’t choose me. To selflessly adore you is my gift from God. It is how I know I love you in unearthly ways.