No Candles to Blow out!

In a room full of people,
I search for your face,
To take me to that place,
Only you and I know,
Where words aren’t spoken,
For your thoughts are in mine,
And my fears aren’t hidden.
I look up for my boat and yours
A Blank space – my heart sinks,
You are nowhere to be seen.
Take me to where you belong,
If you can not be here.

A Note to self

Dear me,
Yeah it’s new year’s Eve, again! People are gonna wish you a happy birthday; bless their soul for their kindness. You are not a holiday person and you have accepted that. Last year was difficult because you moved to the city and you didn’t have your person around. But this year you thought it would be different. Well it is different for sure!

You have to realize to accept what you have. The people that brighten your day are still alive and breathing. And after all the bickering about why they fail to show you that they care, you don’t mind if they never do. They probably won’t. But you want them to breath in the same time and universe as you do. You want them alive and well.

I tell you no one is gonna care about your people like you do. But the hardest part is wishing if they cared about you the same. You have to believe within your heart of hearts that even though you would have done or said things differently in their position, that this is what they can afford. They are not you. You have a very huge heart that can possibly love the world if it wanted to but deep down you have to let go of the notion that you will get back that love in the same way you pour it out. Letting go of that notion of love is at the end of the day love.

Expectations are your worst enemy. Life was easier when you didn’t expect anything from anyone. People will disappoint you even if they are closer to your whole being but not because they mean to but because that’s what life entails at times. If you are not hurt, well someone else will be. You don’t want to cause anyone pain, right? But that doesn’t mean you should suck all the guilt but know when to stop  to need when they are too busy to even catch a breath. Not for theirs but for your sake.

Remember all the nights you couldn’t sleep because you are too worried to even sleep? The anguish you feel when you feel like you are alone in this…but you did pass those nights. And I’m not going to promise it is gonna be different. Because it is life. But you have to love yourself selfishly and let GOD take the handle. You must stop fixing what doesn’t need fixing. Everyone is fine!! I know you think they aren’t. But everybody is fine!! If they weren’t believe me they would change it. They are moving on with their life, with their own choices. Everyone is selfish at the end of the day. If you can’t love yourself selfishly, you won’t know when a good thing happens to you. You want a different life for the people who matter to you because you think your choices will make them happy. But have you wondered maybe that they are happy?

You are a very tiny grain of sand in this whole equation of life and its contents. You matter if you weren’t around that’s why we need to keep you sane.

Just believe everyone is going to be fine. Everyone has the freedom to choose and so they did. Their choices are not a reflection of your worth…your worth was never in their hands. People will disappoint you. And learn to let go…