Archive for March, 2017

When words evade 

Posted: March 29, 2017 in Heartache

There is beauty in sleeping your eyes out crying calling out your name. There is surrender in knowing you weren’t selfish this one last time. There is defiance in letting go of what you thought would last. But there is this huge emptiness from leaving them with these people you barely know. You’re not even enough to fit into their fists but you let it be because you know nobody can love them better than you do. 

You grow up and chose the decisions that make them happy even though it means your life’s ending with every word you uttered. No “I love you” resonates and no hope is built with the ones that left. And you will always be remembered as the one who couldn’t stay but you were just trying to make it easy for the one that already left . And you don’t hate On them . They were home . What’s more than that for a woman that never fit anywhere. I hope they know better. That inspite of a barrage of unmet promises and unspoken words, unlived dreams and the “roads not taken”; you hope they realize you chose them. That they still hold your world in the palm of their hands. 


Always leaving…

Posted: March 17, 2017 in Heartache

This was the moment . Only you and GOD. There was no one to tell you to stop crying, to calm your nerves down or to just be there to listen. You had no one in that hour of you standing in the corridors of some office you wish you could just fleet from. 

It was never a fact that you needed someone…you didn’t need anyone. You wanted them to want to be there. You wanted them to fight for you like you always fought for them too. But you should have known better; all the fight you ever sought ended before it began and you weren’t even the trophy at the end of the tunnel. An accident at best but never a choice.

So everyday you learn that when people leave they really do leave and they always take something with them and you are never the same but they dare ask you why you have changed. But it’s these seamingly unimportant moments of complete breakdown that make you wrap yourself up in a bundle like you used to and be belittled for being too aloof or emotional. If only they knew they took a portion of your life you will never get back and that right now you waking up everyday questioning why is a battle they won’t ever understand. 

The best thing to do right now is to close your eyes and stop asking why they always leave? Why the ones you love pretend to be there when they really aren’t ??? What is this about you that scares those you love away?? 

You left. No denying it was a choice. You can’t say I’m here and not be present when all she needs is you. Do you comprehend the loss she feels for the unmade phone calls and the words you never fathomed to say when you could of. You have never been bare naked emotionally to understand the inevitability of goodbyes with every moment she was made to feel like a second choice for people you don’t remember their names today. You left. You left and then you leave you always leave. Maybe I should let you be…

Self Pep Talk…this was lunch! 

Posted: March 6, 2017 in Heartache

They all have one thing in common. Your dad, your first boyfriend, your next actual first boyfriend, your soulmate…they all left you. Don’t make up excuses for them. There was a choice. There is always a choice. Your dad chose to spend his time and your childhood next to his bottle of whiskey with women that weren’t your mother. He chose them over family. 

Every man that you ever loved or tried to save after him were all like him. Their needs came first. They sing of their triumphs as if you weren’t there holding them up when no one knew of their existence. Maybe it’s your problem that everyone leaves. Maybe you drown in people that already had made their decision to not choose you, to not be yours, to not be in your life till “time fades”. Maybe you seek those that will disappoint you knowing it too will end. You search for those with 5% to zero of likelihood to stay and wrap yourself in pity stories of how they left you. 

It’s time you know. You chose them even when you knew they wouldn’t stay. Whatever pain you feel is your decision to inflict upon yourself. Maybe you like the pain of being in love that the only thing standing between forever and you is that man. His decisions. But you know he won’t ever choose you. 

And for those you haven’t put a label on to describe as anything but who became your everything; you never gave them any labels so whatever hurt or pain they caused you, not their fault! There were no standards to measure their actions towards your feelings. You never upheld them to a label so they keep saying goodbye when the rope gets tough to hold on to. 

Maybe one day he will surprise you. The unknown. Choose you over everything else. Wakes up just to be yours all over again. Love you like the only choice was just that. Just love you again and again and fight for you like no one ever did. He will thank all those that left you today for they can’t possibly comprehend what it means to be yours everyday, by choice. And maybe you won’t be so broken up and maybe you will learn to to accept the love that comes without restrictions. Learn to be chosen as the only one, no plan Bs!