Posts Tagged ‘# loss’

It is that time of the year now! You had left for a better life with a better future. I had hoped I would miss the date as if I was in a trans state but I guess my heart has its own tunes to remember the hurt, that left it irreversibly melt to nothing. I woke up in the middle of the night with a familiar palpitation as if I’m remembered elsewhere. I don’t know why it matters to people like me that are left alone by others to know that they mattered; that they induce palpitations in others too. But sadly it does. I still worry about your days and I won’t lie I envy the stake that you eat nowadays and wonder if you’ve turned vegetarian. I use your words to describe my appetite and people look at me bewildered by my vocabulary and I realize those were our words. But words cheat you for no one lives up to them. To have conquered them would have meant you would still be here. 



Posted: February 25, 2017 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

These sheets smell of you. 

You smell of lust in love. 

You say you will come back…


but to whom?

Didn’t I tell you?

You broke me to pieces,

Not even you can identify.

I’m the pity port,

Where sad stories resort.

Don’t tell me otherwise,

I don’t believe you,

Not anymore.

To know him

Posted: July 17, 2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

For I have loved you in unearthly ways, it is bound to be less understood by you. I’m no saint and I have never had anything big happen in my life until I met you. I’m just an ordinary being with nothing to brag about except the way I adore you. I have known the extents of my heart in the ways that it tries to revive itself when it’s  completely broken. I’m learning the audacity of hope when everyone believes you- one day will leave me. I choose to hope that maybe we, you and I, are different. I hope that they are all wrong. I know I love you in unearthly, not four words worthy way.

Then there is you who believes you can understand the absolute agony of watching you become someone else’s better half, by choice. I adore you even more for the choices you have made and i think God will pay you forward. And you think despite all of this understanding that I don’t understand. Understanding doesn’t shield me from the heartache of losing a part of me. It is still a loss, a vacancy that will never EVER be filled once it is left, unchosen.

No, you don’t understand! I don’t have a choice, I came in late. The time isn’t for me. Time isn’t my friend again. I’ll have to sit and watch your life happen and be content for this is the only way it is worth it. Worth the heartache of not being the only one, the heartache of never knowing what if, the hushed question that maybe you never wanted me that way the probable truth that I never stood a chance and the possibility that I’m fighting a battle already won.

No you can’t call me crazy or drunk just because your heart doesn’t fear what if? I’m not crazy or drunk. I just believe in everything that mattered or will matter to be you. It actually terrifies me but that’s how I know I have insanity bordering chaos if you stop believing in me and think I’m insane for loving you the way I do. Do not belittle my inherent tendency to drown in you. If you can’t comprehend it, be thankful you are bound with realms of gratitude that tell you I’ll stay even when you don’t.

One thing is for sure, I love you in unearthly ways. Do not even question that. I love you knowing all the great things you will become and that I might not be there for the falls and triumphs. I worry about your future more than mine for I lived a great life in the times I have met you. My share of living is done. I’m looking forward to when you start living yours.

Through this transformation I have gained wrinkles and lost pounds but I understood that loving you is letting go of my needs and just letting you become you even when you don’t choose me. To selflessly adore you is my gift from God. It is how I know I love you in unearthly ways.

Please just leave!

I will find my bed in his,

A band aid to what I miss,

Unmet to be with yours.

Not a choice but a wall,

A shroud kept veiled,

A guard away from home.

I beg you to steal me,

I surrender his fortress,

I take down  “pleasure”.

Here, smell my neck,

Find the bruises he left,

The marks on my breast,

The tingles in my feet,

The clench in my thighs,

The moan in my throat,

The cries in my high,

Take it all away!

Tarnish it if you dare,

I have tried that before,

It only leaves me cold,

I need to be left cold,

It is only natural,

I know what I have lost.

Words clog up in my throat,
I can’t find those that I sought.
This is no ordinary night,
For I feel the depth and might,
Of my emotions I tried to hide.
“I miss you” is redundant,
“I need you” is a cliche.
The ache of finding words,
That echo my lost chords,
Is making me sleepless,
Unfamiliar and out of place.
I beg you to read me through,
Hear the unsaid pulsations,
Of a heart bound by restrictions,
Afraid of causing dreaded repercussions.
Damn you all who so lightly,
Dared to say you “missed”,
I bet none ever knew the dread,
The fear of losing your place,
In a heart trodden with regrets.