Posts Tagged ‘#lettinggo’

Reminisce

Posted: May 25, 2017 in Heartache
Tags: ,

When I let go of your hand, I never let go of your heart. It was slow on my part, hopeful. Hopeful that you might one day wake up and realize I was all you ever needed. So I waited and waited, slowly unclasping those fingers that never held me back. 

I never left and I never will. A part of me looks for you in between smiles and unmet dreams. I look for you in his words that tell me I’m beautiful and that he has never met anyone as free as me. Those words echo my insecurity where my sense of freedom is mistaken for easy. I worshipped you and vowed to not be anyone’s anything if I wasn’t going to be your someone. So I wait even now for a place, a word, a poem, a music, a profile picture that tells me I’m not alone. That your heart didn’t let go of me. I have your name tied as my price tag and that’s no way to live. I know that’s not me.

I let go of you slowly hoping you will look back…but you never did.And that’s the saddest part.💔

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Yesterday was a time,

When your throne glowed,

Your glory itself bellowed,

Indestructible – you thought.

Time is forever a bandit,

Steals what you sought,

Robbed you of your home,

Now has left you here,

Unaccustomed to hope,

Unwavering to love,

Always a warrior,

Winning in your loss.

Every bit of you is here,

The more I cling to you,

The farther you go,

I stopped holding you back,

When I couldn’t have more.

More of you is not for me,

All of you is not a given,

Part of you is for everyone,

What remains is my heart-

I listen to my heart,

For its blood that brews,

Has never been anyone’s

Has always been – YOURS.

One night and a look,
Was all the surrender it took.
Forever was just seconds,
Wrapped in goodbyes.

Settling for Less

Posted: July 17, 2015 in Heartache
Tags: , ,

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with myself. I don’t know which smell of the air or color of the sky is going go stir up my emotions. It is not easy to know how low those muffled emotions can bring you down; for now you know how bad it hurts. The constant unheard cries for help on the cold floor, the unanswered whys…I don’t want to go back to the state where all I could pray for was the morning sunshine to assure me that yesterday had passed. I want to be in peace with yesterday and still feel content that today without you is tolerable. You won’t get it…the heartache of wanting what you can’t have, for I am the person you can have but don’t want to have.

I feel like a diabetic newly diagnosed who had sugar with her coffee in the morning only to be told few hours later that she is not to use sugar again. It is sudden and life altering. She might have suspected that she too will be diabetic like her mother or sister; so this day might be “expected” but it still doesn’t make it easy.  It isn’t that the sugar is bad but it is just bad for her. She can still be reckless and continue to take all forms of sugar but she will suffer the consequences, worse being death. So the question is, do you wanna live longer without this sort of sugar or die earlier? But the trick is, there might be healthier sugars that won’t taste as sweet but through time your senses will adapt to these changes and “accept” this too is sugar. Deep down you will know it isn’t the real thing but you will take it, because that’s what growing up and letting go means:'(

Just Accept It!

Posted: May 17, 2015 in Heartache
Tags: , ,

Here I am at 6am on a Sunday morning up and awake to start a new day. I should have slept but I normally don’t do much sleeping after 5:30am, unless I have work and then suddenly the blankets feel uncharacteristically friendly. Today is just another Sunday; but I feel a lot exhausted from thinking too much this week. I need to tell me to let go so I’m writing.

I have a very mundane work that I have to do until a better one comes up so I have to swallow the truth that I’m not doing what I want but it’s better than nothing. I need to work to fill my days to not feel like I’m not moving.

I have to accept even though I’m not adopted, I’m chemically different from my siblings. I’m trying so much to be understood by them and that had made me feel like maybe they were right when they said I was childish…but for my sanity and our failing relationship I would want to leave their judgment aside and accept I have grown out of my family.

I have started a new distance learning class that I was merely excited about from the start. Why did I enroll if I never liked it? Well I didn’t have better prospects of studying anything than this. So why do I become agitated every time its mentioned? Why haven’t I let go of the fact its not what I want? Why am I so overly consumed with disdain? I really don’t know. I just have to accept that this is better in the long run for my career and I have done 6years of unwanted education; I can handle two. And that’s all the bargaining I can afford to do.

My French class has always made me feel fresh and revived. I didn’t feel suffocated by deadlines or exams but lately I have lost that stamina to even attend class. Somehow there is less talking and that takes away the fun. And me getting there from a very laboring day of work isn’t helping out at all. I can’t afford to feel like this class is draining my energy;  its just not acceptable. So I might have to quit class and not whine about how my life is less than what I want it to feel. My choice!

And at the root of all those feelings of unsettling emotions I have found myself at yet another lesson in life. A re-run of the “its not meant to be ,let go” show. How am I handling that one? Well I’m saying to myself “you asked for it” because nobody pulled a gun to my head and made me do any of those things but if I wanted life to be better this was what I had to do. Better can’t be a bliss as i am learning to accept these days but I have to accept the lesser of two evils. I have to learn to see my life that’s constantly feeling like a concoction of unwanted fits as a temporary station. I need to find a place where all of these that burden my head are really not the end. Even as I write those words my mind is asking HOW? I honestly don’t know. I just have to trust in myself to pull through it.

I need to learn to let go of the hands that always had me say I must have done something right. In yet another ‘love story’ I find myself ‘unmatched’. I have to drain back the tears and stuff them to stacks of not-meant-to-be’s. I want to believe that nothing changes too but I know he is not sure of that too. And when things do change I don’t want to blame him for the things he can’t control but he promised and that hurts already.

I had a lot to fathom this past few weeks and I am beyond exhausted and feeling like I need to breath. But these pictures of what I wanted and can’t have are drowning me. But don’t worry, I will survive as that’s what is acceptable for now. 👣