#notmyValentine

Posted: February 14, 2017 in Heartache, Uncategorized
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Did you do the breakfast in bed? Did you bring her flowers? Did you read her Maya Angelou? Did you make love to her and not just to her body but ravished her soul? Did you leave her speechless unaware of her own words? Did she tell you she loved you and would love you for million years to come? 

But I the surrogate of your unborn love suffer the melancholy of living without one’s North. I resurrect the notion of a maybe with you just to feel that last hint of true love, if our forever had existed. I shout your name in extracts of pain submerged in moan to heal the wounds you never cared to heal. I marked your name in fleshes that resent the entrance of another. I sewed your threads to heal my broken home. You reside in a goodbye everyone simply says and no I’m not hurt because they left but you echo the emptiness of not being; here and not here.

Did you dance with the familiar tunes of  John Legend? Did she look at you with teary eyes, silenced the three words? Did you feel home when she said you were home? Did she make you want to wake up next to her? Did you get scared of the possibility of not having her tomorrow? Did she smell of heart shaped chocolates? Did she inflict the pain that no medicine will heal? Did she promise you tomorrow?

And you believed her, didn’t you?

You are still here 

Posted: February 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

Your words pop into the pages I read in hopes of escaping from you. Your ache rattles the foundations I’m slowly learning to build without your bones. I’m cleaning my mess with your memories and that just stains more of you and not less. I bleed hungry for more of you only to find myself bartered for nothing with no name. My time line starts and ends with being and not being yours. I can’t stop myself from snorting  your t-shirt like a junkie looking for the high she can’t find anywhere else. I smell of dust and ashes in the morning after a long night of dreaming, fighting and then saying goodbye. It is a cycle I secretly love; to binge on you only to wake up alone with reality confounded and I ask again did he really leave? 

Can I survive with what is left ? 

Will he save me? 

I’m only weak for having been tired of loss grappled with love. I know of no love that isn’t painful and beautiful. I refrain from all that’s not you and you are threading on my scars that echo my past and rewrite my future in blood, lust and loss. 

I vow in your name to know of no love that doesn’t lead me to you. 

And the cycle continues…

Loss

Love

Hope

Did you say it?

Posted: February 3, 2017 in Uncategorized

She doesn’t know because you never say it.

She doesn’t know because your actions are the opposite of your words. 

But did you tell her?

That she is the reason between taking the next breath of air or not. 

That she is worth a better man than you. That she made you her own even when you didn’t deserve to be hers. That her arms were better than the expensive matress that keeps you warm at night. That you question your sanctity for sacrificing a lot and it wasn’t even for her.

Did you say it?

Say sorry even when it utterly changes nothing but you acknowledging your absence, ruined the pillars of love she let you have. Your apologies will still be empty until that day comes when I’m sorry isn’t because you broke something beautiful in her but because you didn’t believe it. For nothing is ever set in stone…things change and people, even you change. Don’t make her question her sanity and tell her you’re still the same. 

Did you tell her you loved her? Did you mean it ? Not in the emptiness of attempts made to keep her hope for more but because you had hoped she knew no word was enough for what you left behind. For when she said it one time, it took every anticipated loss, the inevitability of being apart, the lack of more into a consolation and locked the non believers out and said “but I love him”. Did your words give you that shelter…

She can’t bear another pain. She can’t stand another wait for me. You can’t make her wait for anything. She doesn’t anticipate a future but don’t be present only when you choose or afford to be. She resents the 2AMs you never held her as she cried you out. She doesn’t deserve to stand back in the dark as you lay bricks of wall to separate your unknown existence to match the world’s expectation. So you and her can be palatable. Haven’t she said she doesn’t love you “like that”enough times to make your life better? Do you know what that did to her? Do you know what she unlearned to save you?

She can’t bear the thought of you not understanding what she lost to have you there. Maybe no word will ever repair the loss but don’t ever ever ever think you have said or done enough…not for her. This is the labour of love …the word you have yet  to learn. The word that sears down every thing big you ever did and asks if it was ever enough? Not because it wasn’t but because nothing ever really is when you live and love someone the way she did.

You won’t get this one too but I at least tried. 

Parallel universe

Posted: January 23, 2017 in Missing you like crazy
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There is this sad reality in time differences. That I sleep when you wake up. That I dream when you are living. That I cry when you’re snoozing. That I laughed when you didn’t hear me.

There is the unsigned agreement of yet being apart, of being equally unknown to each other as we aspire to exist in today that we are yet in each other’s yesterday. The regurgitations of our time zones is the expansion of you and I in tomorrow and yesterday and live still in our own today. 

Maybe this is the parallel universe we talked about…

When I don’t say much…

Posted: January 23, 2017 in Heartache
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I should stop this yearning for more of you. I should stop trying to make us survive when this is just what we could become. This is just the beginning of your life and mine dwindles upon memories of just you and you. I should stop hoping and threading on tomorrow. Because you have engulfed the epicenter of my existence to one word, my exclusion from it is slowly but surely creeping in. 

Did you not sleep without me last night?

Did you not sleep without hearing my voice for days?

Was it not better to hurt me more than anyone else?

I will smell of you and there is the pungent aura that resembles a left over food.

I should stop believing I had a handle on this world….on love, that I could actually increase my participation in making home in it. Love if pursued hunger stricken, will leave you empty. So I will seek you, my true north in silence, in melancholy of truths I scribble here and there for nothing I have fought for ever stayed.

Not just a Ring

Posted: January 9, 2017 in Heartache
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A band on his finger,

A closure of a promise,

A sense of belonging,

A proof he left me,

A guard to never ask,

What I won’t ever be.

With words impeccable,

To mend a broken heart,

He called her by her name,

Long before he knew,

His own were carved in mine,

As I sat there mourning,

Digging my own graveyard.

Us against the world

Posted: December 31, 2016 in Heartache
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This is how I imagined us to be. You and I versus the world. You and I versus the social norm. You and I versus everyone else. 

This is how it is. I against the world. I only love to live you more while you decide to build the walls that kept us from becoming more with those same people that led us here. 

You are the defiance in my arrogance, the ‘no’ in my replies to succumbing to social suicide, the only exception to the rule that people always leave ….but you would stay right ?

But I sit here and think ….

How do you let them win? Were we not an exception to the cliche of norms ? Didn’t I love you enough for you to stay and fight? Do you hold her hand like you used to hold mine? Do your eyes shimmer in ecstasy like I used to know them ? Do you smile without me and still feel home? Do you not ache for a better world , for a better death that detaches you from either being you or nothing ! ? Hasn’t your heart stopped beating in realization that we are less than I ever believed forever to last ? How do you do it? 

You are the home I fought for even when I thought the future was bleak. You are the endless heartaches for a love unmet but I would do it all over again and maybe this time I will let you know to the core it’s me or nothing . 

But you’re smiling now ? Holding her hand , smelling her perfume , threading on her world like I never existed to look back…! How do you do that ..unlove me in the face of hopeless odds? I will always follow your beating heart that once sang John Mayer and believed in ‘I have to have to have you now’… There was something that closed before you ever let it open itself upto you…you decided we weren’t worth it and the world won didn’t it? Look at us now…I’m crying in my bed with a glass of Chardonay and you count down to the New Year with her hand in yours…? 

Me against the world.