When words evade 

Posted: March 29, 2017 in Heartache

There is beauty in sleeping your eyes out crying calling out your name. There is surrender in knowing you weren’t selfish this one last time. There is defiance in letting go of what you thought would last. But there is this huge emptiness from leaving them with these people you barely know. You’re not even enough to fit into their fists but you let it be because you know nobody can love them better than you do. 

You grow up and chose the decisions that make them happy even though it means your life’s ending with every word you uttered. No “I love you” resonates and no hope is built with the ones that left. And you will always be remembered as the one who couldn’t stay but you were just trying to make it easy for the one that already left . And you don’t hate On them . They were home . What’s more than that for a woman that never fit anywhere. I hope they know better. That inspite of a barrage of unmet promises and unspoken words, unlived dreams and the “roads not taken”; you hope they realize you chose them. That they still hold your world in the palm of their hands. 

Always leaving…

Posted: March 17, 2017 in Heartache
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This was the moment . Only you and GOD. There was no one to tell you to stop crying, to calm your nerves down or to just be there to listen. You had no one in that hour of you standing in the corridors of some office you wish you could just fleet from. 

It was never a fact that you needed someone…you didn’t need anyone. You wanted them to want to be there. You wanted them to fight for you like you always fought for them too. But you should have known better; all the fight you ever sought ended before it began and you weren’t even the trophy at the end of the tunnel. An accident at best but never a choice.

So everyday you learn that when people leave they really do leave and they always take something with them and you are never the same but they dare ask you why you have changed. But it’s these seamingly unimportant moments of complete breakdown that make you wrap yourself up in a bundle like you used to and be belittled for being too aloof or emotional. If only they knew they took a portion of your life you will never get back and that right now you waking up everyday questioning why is a battle they won’t ever understand. 

The best thing to do right now is to close your eyes and stop asking why they always leave? Why the ones you love pretend to be there when they really aren’t ??? What is this about you that scares those you love away?? 

You left. No denying it was a choice. You can’t say I’m here and not be present when all she needs is you. Do you comprehend the loss she feels for the unmade phone calls and the words you never fathomed to say when you could of. You have never been bare naked emotionally to understand the inevitability of goodbyes with every moment she was made to feel like a second choice for people you don’t remember their names today. You left. You left and then you leave you always leave. Maybe I should let you be…

Self Pep Talk…this was lunch! 

Posted: March 6, 2017 in Heartache

They all have one thing in common. Your dad, your first boyfriend, your next actual first boyfriend, your soulmate…they all left you. Don’t make up excuses for them. There was a choice. There is always a choice. Your dad chose to spend his time and your childhood next to his bottle of whiskey with women that weren’t your mother. He chose them over family. 

Every man that you ever loved or tried to save after him were all like him. Their needs came first. They sing of their triumphs as if you weren’t there holding them up when no one knew of their existence. Maybe it’s your problem that everyone leaves. Maybe you drown in people that already had made their decision to not choose you, to not be yours, to not be in your life till “time fades”. Maybe you seek those that will disappoint you knowing it too will end. You search for those with 5% to zero of likelihood to stay and wrap yourself in pity stories of how they left you. 

It’s time you know. You chose them even when you knew they wouldn’t stay. Whatever pain you feel is your decision to inflict upon yourself. Maybe you like the pain of being in love that the only thing standing between forever and you is that man. His decisions. But you know he won’t ever choose you. 

And for those you haven’t put a label on to describe as anything but who became your everything; you never gave them any labels so whatever hurt or pain they caused you, not their fault! There were no standards to measure their actions towards your feelings. You never upheld them to a label so they keep saying goodbye when the rope gets tough to hold on to. 

Maybe one day he will surprise you. The unknown. Choose you over everything else. Wakes up just to be yours all over again. Love you like the only choice was just that. Just love you again and again and fight for you like no one ever did. He will thank all those that left you today for they can’t possibly comprehend what it means to be yours everyday, by choice. And maybe you won’t be so broken up and maybe you will learn to to accept the love that comes without restrictions. Learn to be chosen as the only one, no plan Bs!

Not yet fine.

Posted: February 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

When I was praying at church today, I saw someone that looked like you and my heart just sent all these signals and I was both alive and dead; sad and happy; lost and found. I thought I was doing better. I thought we built enough bridges between us, that nothing would schock me to my core like that. Nothing. I survived the goodbye I dreaded since I knew of you not being mine. I survived the night I held you close one last time. Shouldn’t it be easy? To completely wholeheartedly love someone and let them go because….it should be. 

Sometimes I’m not fine. 

It should tell you, you were the only one in its kind.

Hollow

Posted: February 25, 2017 in Uncategorized
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These sheets smell of you. 

You smell of lust in love. 

You say you will come back…

 …..

but to whom?

Didn’t I tell you?

You broke me to pieces,

Not even you can identify.

I’m the pity port,

Where sad stories resort.

Don’t tell me otherwise,

I don’t believe you,

Not anymore.

#notmyValentine

Posted: February 14, 2017 in Heartache, Uncategorized
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Did you do the breakfast in bed? Did you bring her flowers? Did you read her Maya Angelou? Did you make love to her and not just to her body but ravished her soul? Did you leave her speechless unaware of her own words? Did she tell you she loved you and would love you for million years to come? 

But I the surrogate of your unborn love suffer the melancholy of living without one’s North. I resurrect the notion of a maybe with you just to feel that last hint of true love, if our forever had existed. I shout your name in extracts of pain submerged in moan to heal the wounds you never cared to heal. I marked your name in fleshes that resent the entrance of another. I sewed your threads to heal my broken home. You reside in a goodbye everyone simply says and no I’m not hurt because they left but you echo the emptiness of not being; here and not here.

Did you dance with the familiar tunes of  John Legend? Did she look at you with teary eyes, silenced the three words? Did you feel home when she said you were home? Did she make you want to wake up next to her? Did you get scared of the possibility of not having her tomorrow? Did she smell of heart shaped chocolates? Did she inflict the pain that no medicine will heal? Did she promise you tomorrow?

And you believed her, didn’t you?

You are still here 

Posted: February 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

Your words pop into the pages I read in hopes of escaping from you. Your ache rattles the foundations I’m slowly learning to build without your bones. I’m cleaning my mess with your memories and that just stains more of you and not less. I bleed hungry for more of you only to find myself bartered for nothing with no name. My time line starts and ends with being and not being yours. I can’t stop myself from snorting  your t-shirt like a junkie looking for the high she can’t find anywhere else. I smell of dust and ashes in the morning after a long night of dreaming, fighting and then saying goodbye. It is a cycle I secretly love; to binge on you only to wake up alone with reality confounded and I ask again did he really leave? 

Can I survive with what is left ? 

Will he save me? 

I’m only weak for having been tired of loss grappled with love. I know of no love that isn’t painful and beautiful. I refrain from all that’s not you and you are threading on my scars that echo my past and rewrite my future in blood, lust and loss. 

I vow in your name to know of no love that doesn’t lead me to you. 

And the cycle continues…

Loss

Love

Hope