Saturday night 

Posted: June 5, 2017 in Heartache

No one … especially me wants to give up. 

I hear your voice and it digs my grave anew. 

I love you again and again and I want to pour me another glass of wine. Numb down the sheer loss of space in this universe for two people who utterly wanted nothing but the best for each other.

Another day. Another prayer. Another lustful disaster. Another song that reminds me of the last bite of burger we shared. And I cry it out. Curse your name for holding so much of me in one simple word you never dared to say . Love. 

I have a headache now and my thoughts are blurry but one thing is for sure. I will dream of you. And wake up with your name in my lungs, saving me once again.

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Reminisce

Posted: May 25, 2017 in Heartache
Tags: ,

When I let go of your hand, I never let go of your heart. It was slow on my part, hopeful. Hopeful that you might one day wake up and realize I was all you ever needed. So I waited and waited, slowly unclasping those fingers that never held me back. 

I never left and I never will. A part of me looks for you in between smiles and unmet dreams. I look for you in his words that tell me I’m beautiful and that he has never met anyone as free as me. Those words echo my insecurity where my sense of freedom is mistaken for easy. I worshipped you and vowed to not be anyone’s anything if I wasn’t going to be your someone. So I wait even now for a place, a word, a poem, a music, a profile picture that tells me I’m not alone. That your heart didn’t let go of me. I have your name tied as my price tag and that’s no way to live. I know that’s not me.

I let go of you slowly hoping you will look back…but you never did.And that’s the saddest part.💔

Guess why I’m fat?

Posted: May 5, 2017 in Heartache

 

Did they tell you?

That I gained some weight,

Look chubbier than last time,

A little bit in pieces,

A little bit drunk,

A little bit dark.

Did they tell you?

I call out your name?

I sleep a little bit better,

I only wish I never wake up.

Did they tell you?

I compare their words to yours,

Your faults their demise,

Your perfections their loss.

Did they tell you?

I am weary of good men,

I am for the bad ones,

I don’t expect much,

The good part of me,

The one we smoked to ashes,

I finished it with you.

Smoked it in goodbyes,

We never dared to say,

The ones that haunt me,

The soot of you,

Keeping me company,

Junk foods that weigh on me.

We are like them💔

Posted: May 2, 2017 in Heartache

It hurts to realize it has been days since I last heard of your voice. It’s mind numbing to come to terms that you are better off, that you stopped trying that you would go away when given a chance. Was I the only  one who wanted us to be us? Was infinity not your plan too? They never come back.

Perhaps this isn’t final,

Perhaps he would choose me,

Perhaps he feels the same,

Perhaps he won’t let go,

Perhaps he would make me stay,

Perhaps he is sleepless,

Perhaps he calls out my name,

Perhaps he is better off,

Perhaps I held him back,

Perhaps He is happy,

Perhaps I’m scared to know,

Our perhaps is all that’s left to show.

Chasing You 

Posted: April 7, 2017 in Heartache

We the unsung soldiers,

The heros of untamed love,

Scorched and stubborn hearts,

Strangers to giving up,

others leech on our existence,

Home is not to be found,

They burned down all we had.

When words evade 

Posted: March 29, 2017 in Heartache

There is beauty in sleeping your eyes out crying calling out your name. There is surrender in knowing you weren’t selfish this one last time. There is defiance in letting go of what you thought would last. But there is this huge emptiness from leaving them with these people you barely know. You’re not even enough to fit into their fists but you let it be because you know nobody can love them better than you do. 

You grow up and chose the decisions that make them happy even though it means your life’s ending with every word you uttered. No “I love you” resonates and no hope is built with the ones that left. And you will always be remembered as the one who couldn’t stay but you were just trying to make it easy for the one that already left . And you don’t hate On them . They were home . What’s more than that for a woman that never fit anywhere. I hope they know better. That inspite of a barrage of unmet promises and unspoken words, unlived dreams and the “roads not taken”; you hope they realize you chose them. That they still hold your world in the palm of their hands.