A Story

Posted: March 29, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

There was no reason for optimism. His eyes had grown dark and stranger to my heart. All our fights and endless bickering about why I wasn’t the apple of his eye became trivial. This wasn’t the man I fell in love with. He didn’t have to say it; I knew we were through. The sudden realization sent a bolt through every nerve ending in my body. I was stripped naked and for the first time in our simile of a relationship I didn’t like it.

He stood there though unaffected by the truth set before us. It wasn’t that he didn’t see through the silence for I read an ease in his breathing as if a weight had been lifted. I was that lump he couldn’t swallow. I, his ‘one and only’ became a past.

He sent his big arms that seemed to want to strangle me instead of comfort me in a clear effort of consoling me. He smelled bitter with a swift of our younger days burrowing small rain drops in my eyes. I wanted my heart to melt into shreds of nothings but this wasn’t the time to not feel. It was two hearts departing with languages written in shades of beats and blood.

His lips sent a thrill as they lightly brushed my neck. I wanted him! Suddenly my head started the usual calculations along why this was not a break up besides the fact that he clearly stated that he didn’t see the future for us.

Ohhhh that hurts…stop it…just cling to this last moment….
1…… 2….. 3

I finally found the strength to lift my feet up. “Are you leaving?” he asked as if there was something remaining.

“I didn’t think there was much left for me here. I think this is us not being us,” tears gushed into my eyes. He got off from the floor where we were sitting and looked into my eyes unsure of what he was supposed to say. He was never good with his words and for once I didn’t need him to say anything. What could he possibly say that would undo the throbbing pain in my chest? ‘I love you?’ Or April the fool?

My feet heavy from the weight of reality felt strange and vestigial. I didn’t bother to look at him one last time. I went out through the door and as the locks clicked into their place, he sighed in relief while I stood in the hallway unsure of my viability like a fish thrown out of the sea.

You can do it! But do I even want to do it? What does it mean? I, the cynic who had once seen love and relationships as the circus of emotional humdrums was stabbed ironically through the heart for believing against all my instincts that ‘love’ was a reality I could take a bite off.

I am hearing Amy Winehouse in my head;

‘Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game’

Somehow those words gave me comfort and relative nudge to keep walking away from all that was once mine. In flashlights of images I imagined what or who would become of me if I took one step back and it didn’t require that much of soul searching to know I deserved better than this. I deserved what I have preached my friends on what a man can and should be every time they were faced with the ‘I should have never slept with him’ enigma. I had to do it for all my fiends who would soon be asking what happened to the ‘soul mate’ I had raved about. Embarrassing!! But I am bleeding now and I just want my feet to glide me safely to my room and the rest is the classic ‘I can’t get out of my bed’ and ‘I thought he loved me’ ritual which seemed a rite of passage than a burden…at least for now.

I don’t know why I am trying to figure the mechanics of a break up and maybe it’s because I am avoiding the pain but if I can find comfort in it should that worry me?
I imagined what he was doing right now. I imagine he is playing his guitar and pretending as I am that everything didn’t change. He was never a fan of change; even to the simple routines like what to eat on Sunday mornings and his coffee had to be from Kaldis’ and the Thursday night beer fiesta with his friends. Though an iphone fanatic he can’t seem to throw away the old for newer versions. And this was why I loved him…correction… this is why I love him. He was just uncomplicated. He just felt one easy thing in life that came naturally. And though I was never a relationship person, I had dated a lot and when I met him he just fit in my every shortcoming without much hurdle.
Tears again filled my eyes and I brushed them away for this was not making it easier for me. And this blissful remembrance of who I thought we were once was only giving me hope. And let’s face it, I am alone and that should be comforting enough.

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