Waiting….

Posted: June 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

Its 11pm saturday night….im.sitting in my somewhat.cozy bed of mine with a back ache that seems to cut my body in half listening to Theodros Tadese….
I am feeling blue and trying to fix that i have been dialing people i hv lost contact with in recent times but none of their phones seem to be working. And last week my Psychiatry lecturer had called me after a long time and i am now wondering if he had felt what I am feeling now; alone with thoughts to escape from. But imagining that he would hide from his thoughts is like thinking charlie wonka skipping work at z chocolate factory because he needed a vacation.
So today I had a tiny revelation that i am turning 26 in three months time& I had a mini panic attack. This is just sad! I am getting nearer to 30 than have ever imagined to myself be. And this is not how I wanted to embrace getting old. I needed something to define my 26 years on this planet than z past 7yrs in medicine. I needed to not be a doctor. I admit being married and having kids seemed a fairly good escape plan for more than a nanosec but it just seemed un”me”.
I have spent the greater part of my life expecting life to happen to me and even saying that I don know how to not wait for life to happen. Look at me! I’m waiting for my boyfriend to break up with me; I’m waiting for him to grow up&be a Man;i am waiting for my guy friend to define our complicated relationship; i am waiting to decide to join residency in medicine or not; waiting for a sign from GOD to decide all of this.
I remember a quote from an author I dont remember ”…we never live but always in the expectation of living…” What gave me a panic isn’t my turning 26 but what do i hv to show for it???
I wish I could end this piece of writing with a resolution that read,
”I will repair my strained relationship with my dad…i will break my relationship with my 2yrs boyfriend for the excuse of not wanting kids…travel the whole of ethiopia with my yet-to-be-defined guy friend &settle my feelings once and for all…take USMLE and be sad for life…”
Boy does that Sound planned to you???!!!
But all of the above thoughts will remain simply writings on a paper unless the Almighty intervenes & pulls the rug under me…I need some shaking &we all know we need some good hard ground to stand on when we are wishing for the wave of the quake to hit us. I just pray this time around i get around to living than waiting because its getting old to fear change.

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